Rambling Autobiography

i remember collapsing on the sidewalk
being picked up by my mother,
consoled, hushed, talked
to the way that babies are
but I felt smothered,
covered
in a wet blanket trying
to put out a wild fire
and all i desired
to do was
hug him one last time
and cry in his arms one last time
and hear him say he was proud of me one last time
so i collapsed.
i remember ditching black, wearing bright blue instead
i got looks, i got glances, but they knew he was dead
and all they could do was cry, and sigh,
and recall memories that brought them laughter
but i was falling faster,
and faster,
and diving into a world where he didn't exist
and i had to find a new world where i could, too.
i remember love being my saving grace
and all the ways
that i learned how to save
myself
my lover's kisses soaked up my tears like a sponge
and his arms around my frail body sung
songs of hope and sunshine and
colors or yellow and amber
seemed to be brighter
and made me feel lighter
and i was falling faster and faster
and diving into a world where i could love and was loved