Living

There are some days I just can't write.
I start a blog, I start an essay, I start a sentence - and I take it back. I tap-tap it away, I scratch it out, I say "nevermind."
Today is one of those days.
A day where I should be doing homework, but I just don't know where to begin.
I never had these days before.
It was easy - obsessively simple - and it was effortless.
Now to write anything that isn't about you is like pulling teeth.

There are some days I just can't read.
I start a book, I start to study, I start to look at a billboard - and I forget what I saw. I tap-tap it away, I scratch it out, I say "nevermind."
Today is one of those days.
A day where I should catch up on books I started a year ago, but I just can't sit still.
I never had these days before.
It was easy - obsessively simple - and it was effortless.
Now to read anything takes the concentration of an army, and the army in my head is tired.

There are some days I just can't breathe.
I start to sleep, I start to go under water, I start to walk - and I forget my air. I tap-tap it away, I scratch it out, I say "nevermind."
Today is one of those days.
A day where I should go for a run and be thankful that oxygen works for me, but I just can't.
I never had these days before.
It was easy - obsessively simple - and it was effortless.
Now to breathe deeply reminds me of the air you don't receive, and I feel unworthy.

But then there are days...
There are some days where writing feels like home, where I feel blessed for the ability to express myself so clearly - and I write. And I smile. And I love.
There are some days where reading takes my mind to another world, where I feel encouraged to have one of my own - and I read. And I indulge. And I love.
There are some days where I breathe easy, and I feel like I could hike a mountain and swim in the ocean - and I breathe. And I live. And I love.
And I thank It for giving me hardships, for making me doubt myself, for taking my sanity. Because if It didn't, I would be comfortably unaware of my incredible ability to breathe. And I'll breathe for you, if you can shine through me.

I will be happy.
I will be grateful.
I will have hope.
I will have sensitivity.
I will be understanding.
I will be just.
Because love makes me want to have, and makes me want to be.