I just spent twenty minutes writing a blog about my father.
A blog that made me angry and sad - a blog that was honest and brutal.
I just backspaced the entire thing with tears falling down my cheeks and what felt like a plate jammed in my throat.
Let me clear the air by saying that my father was, and is the most incredible man that most people will ever meet - and pretty much anyone who is reading this knows that. However, father-of-the-year he was not. I spent five years dying for my dying father's attention, and in those five years, I never was fulfilled.
But handing an angry blog to the world so that they understand your sadness and regret does not help. It does not bring him back, and it surely does not make me feel any better. Thank God, my mind automatically erases the negative thoughts I have about him, along with my fingers that erase the terrible things I write.
All of this to say - Please, oh please. Be sweet. Keep kindness on your lips, and heaven in your words... because I promise you that in the end only one thing matters - that you loved someone, and they loved you. And if you truly have love in your heart, then you will always be at peace.
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Katie I wish you had finished that blog regardless of how painful it was to you. Please re-write and post it if you can. Folks need to know your perspective and it's important to vent. Plus I'd love to read what's on your mind about your Dad.
ReplyDeleteI really do understand your desire to have received some of your dad's attention over the last 5 years, and I wished that I could have received some of it too. I can't speak for him, but I can say that he was much sicker than he led on to be for a long time. You know him, he always hid the worst from you, me, even Tina. I do know that he was fighting for his life for years, and I guess that maybe took precedent for him over communicating with his girls. But I can say that he always spoke of you and Anna virtually every time I talked with him and you were always in his thoughts. I mean that! He wanted to get well so that he could spend quality time with you and there were so many times that it seemed that his wish would happen. He just didn't want to be seen as "ill" while around you since he was so proud. I guess pride is a fatal flaw of many of us, and it was of Tony for certain. Your Dad loved you more than you realize right now, and I hope that my words will help convey that to you. Although I know that doesn't remove the pain of his absence of the past 5 years. I just want you to know what I know about him personally. I love you darlin' Katie. All the best!